Hmmm

Excuse me miss, do you have any advice for me?

Me? Why would you want advice from me? Nobody ever does.

I do.

Why?

Because who else can tell me what to do better than someone who has nothing but regrets? 

Okay. So what do you want to know?

Should I stay or should I go?

What will you regret more?

I don't know. 

Then you should stay, until you know.

Or should you go until you're sure?

Either way will do, I suppose. Either way you lose a little bit. 

What do you lose?

Something. It depends on how much there is to lose. Do you play cards?

Sometimes. 

Then think of it this way. When the cards are dealt, you have a choice. You can fold, or you can play. And as the game progresses, you still have the choice, you can fold or you can play. If you fold now, you go home with some of the money and some of your pride. If you keep playing, you stand to win everything you've ever wanted, but you stand to lose more than you can afford to lose. You stand to lose your soul. 

You didn't answer the question. Should I stay or should I go?

It's not mine to answer.

Who can, then?

:)

When my Love for You collides with my Hate for You...

I have so many complains and so manyyyyyy things to say to you but I think I have lost that 'thing' in me that ran to you for everything, and sadly, slowly.. I am losing it even more, day by day (if that was even possible).

I am too close to you, I love you, you are my best friend but sometimes there's this little serpant inside me that raises to strike you, in the split of a second. It's so much hate inside.. that I want to push you away and then run far far FAR away from you. And on the very next second, I want to hold you and love you and I feel so guilty..

I want to run away and never look back but I know I will die without you, as if someone would shut the air supply on me. I will suffocate without you because I just DON'T KNOW how to be without you.

You have your priorities and I know I am too far below on the list but sometimes I just need you for ME and I know if I said a word, all you'd do is look away in another direction.

I feel sick.. I feel terribly sick of what we have become. This is not where and how I wanted us to be. This is not how I wanted YOU to be. But this is EXACTLY how you truly are. I should have known, I so should have known. Though I would still have loved you just like I love you now, but at least I should have 'known'.

I feel like as if I do everything and even then I am standing in the middle of nowhere. I have never expected anything from anyone but a little consideration. From all of them, from someone, from YOU.

But it's as if at times you don't even see me.. 'see'.

You know what?! I don't even want to write anyone. I cannot. I don't read. I don't do anything that will show signs of who I used to be. I just walk through, like a zombie. And I am okay.

I don't feel sad or upset even because now I expect everything. Earlier, I would react like mad, because I never expected from you. Now I do and I am okay now. I am happy.

I love you.

Is it just me, or does this happen to everyone? This, that when everything inside is screaming to be heard, words will not comply? 

This, that when the panic-rises-to-a-crazy-boiling-point and everything seems topsy-turvy-stupid-within the only expression that seems to make sense is a big-wide-smile. 

Because, my loves, someone once told me that 'every time you smile - someone will fall in love'. And you think that the very least you can do is play eternal-cupid for someone else. Says the Rat, in her heartwarming (and ego-bruising) pep-talk, the only thing that distinguishes me from all-the-other-people-out-there-who-will-live-and-die and I have fulfilled an Angelina-Jolie-esque criterion for meaningful-existence, I have been of some use. Says she (and Jolie) that life being what it is, the only question your maker might ask of you when you're up there standing que at the pearly-gates-of-what-have-you is what use were you to the world (in general). What did you do, someone-out-there will demand, that justifies your existence to begin with. And if you don't have an answer, we speculate, then you may just be sent back to this world as a bug - or a dengue-macchar - who has but one purpose: to travel to the Philippines and infect S (remember my love, that the dengue you fear so very much is actually a little bug's salvation) and then to die knowing that the usefulness to the world has expired. N, once told me that in his past life he had been an executioner. You know them people who pull the plug and smile while the person-in-front-of-them-chokes-to-death-and-stuff. I wonder, sometimes, what my past life was all about. There was one Halloween-y moment when I thought that I might have been born a black-cat-in-Egypt. Which, you must admit, would probably have been a good life back in the day when the kali-billi was a creature of worship (and not the bugger you avoid in the road lest it cross your path and completely ruin your day). But upon reflection (some) it occurs to me that in a life before this perhaps I was a caterpillar. A little-green-worm snuggled up in a little leaf waiting for that painfully-beautiful moment in which life's purpose was achieved and it emerged from the cocoon as a butterfly. It also occurs to me that maybe it was right in the middle of the cataclysmic-change that the inevitable happened and I found myself at the pearly-gates completely unfulfilled and not-yet-a-butterfly. Perhaps that was the moment when I was sent back (not having been of much use in life number one), to try (once again) to achieve the metamorphosis-denied.

Just.

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.


Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away–
(Only you and I, understand!)


You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break,
and–Just tired.
So am I.


But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose
at the hopeless gate of your heart–
Open to me
For I will show you the places
Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.


Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.



- e. e. cummings

Being Genuine

Hey.. I felt like writing. Haven't decided as to what should I write about.. Depression is contagious. Have you ever thought about it. It's like if anyone around you complains.. and complains long enough, you start to whine too.

I want to feel relaxed and free. It's been a while, though. I want to be appreciated and laugh like a pig (okay whatever, I haven't seen a pig laughing but it kinda came up). I want to sing stupid Indian songs and dance to them and I want to be skinny and look good. Somehow, no matter how much I make myself up, I have a large tummy, an ugly double chin and I look pathetic. I want to feel good about myself but I don't seem to do that.

What is possession? The feeling , when you are in love. What happens when you let go? That hallow feeling when you know how madly you're in love with him but you're okay to share him. To let him marry as many times and to nurture his children from other women and you show your love for them all. Is this love, too? What kind of? Do you withdraw, do you feel sickened or have you just died? But if it is your own decision, why do people look at you with all that pity and sympathy? Do I 'need' that?

I want to do an MS and I want to do a Ph.D and I want to do with my N.

I will continue some other time.

Our Love's so Beautiful........

Since it's a writer's block that I am going through for the past couple of months, I'd just write about the one thing that I can and what I can do without any problems. N! My N! My husband. Unlike any other couples, we are best friends first and then married later. We talk about all the crap in the world and then we fight, get mad, withdraw and then run to each other and then hug and make up. We celebrate watching movies and eating food and peanuts and tea and what not.. Of course, N's new found love TANGRIII! Ha! It's yummy, btw! Try it if you haven't. We finished our stock or I'd have taken a pic and posted it here. Let me try Googling it, LOL.

I am over possessive and he isn't. Probably beacause I know he looks good at all times and any woman would rush to him and he isn't because he knows I am an old shabby looking 'shadi shuda' aunty and no guy would ever waste his time on me now. So it's a race he has already won!

There so many things we are identical in and then so many that we are completely opposite in. In my hearts of a heart, I am quite 'marawara' from him and same applies to him but there are places we would never touch no matter what because we both know that we wouldn't be able to come outta it.

His concept of being in love is way different than mine. And we are both crazy in our own separate and yet united ways. But what will never change is that we both love each other madly. And it's perfect.

I am hungry now. Gotta go make something and then download a new movie for tonight :D

I love you, madly, my N! <3

An All Timer!!!

shehar ki raat aur main nashad-o-nakaara phiroonN

jagmagati jaagati sarkooN peh aawara phriooN

ghair ki basti hai kab tak dar badar maraa phirooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jhilmilate qumqumon ki raah mein zanjeer si

raat ke hathon mein din ki mohani tasveer si

mere seene par magar chalti hui shamsheer si

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

yeh roopehli chhaon yeh aakash par taaroN ka jaal

jaise sufi ka tasavvur jaise aashiq ka khayaal

aah lekin kon jaane kon samjhe jee ka haal

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

phir woh toota ik sitara phir woh chhooThi puljhaRi 

jane kis ki gaud meiN aai yeh moti ki laRi

hook si seenay meiN uThi chaut si dil per paRi

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

raat hans hans kar yeh kehti hei ke maikhane meiN chal

phir kisi shahnaz-e-lalarukh ke kaashane meiN chal

yeh nahiN mumkin to phir ay dost veerane meiN chal

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

har taraf bikhri hui, rangeeniyaaN, r'aanaiyaaN 

har qadam par ishrateiN leti hui angRaiyaaN

baRh rahi hei gaud phailai hoi ruswaaiyaaN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ai wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

raaste mein ruk ke dam le loon meri aadat nahiN

laut kar vaapas chala jaaooN, meri fitrat nahiN

aur koi hamnawa mil jaaye yeh qismat nahiN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

muntazir hei eik tofaan-e-bala mere liay

ab bi jane kitne dervazay heiN waa mere liay

per museebat hei mera ahd-e-wafa mere liay

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jee meiN aata hei ke ab ahd-e-wafa bhi toR dooN

un ko paa sakta hooN main yeh aasra bhi chhoR dooN

haaN munasib hei yeh zanjeer-e-hava bhi toR dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

ik mahal ki aarh se nikala woh peela mahtaab

jaise mulla ka amama jaise baniye ki kitab

jaise muflis ki jawani jaise beva ka shabaab 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

dil meiN ik shola bhaRak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN

mera paemaana chhalak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN

zakham seenay ka mehak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jee meiN aata hei ke murda chaand taray nauch looN

iss kinare nauch looN aur us kinare nauch looN

eik du ka zikar kiya saaray ke saaray nauch looN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

muflisi aur yeh mazahir haiN nazar ke samane

saikaRoN changez-o-naadir haiN nazar ke samane

Saikaron sultan-o-Jabir hain nazar ke samne

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

le ke eik changez ke hathooN se khanjar toR dooN

taj per us ke damakta hei jo pathar toR dooN

koi toRe ya na toRe meiN hi baRh ke toR dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

baRh ke is indar'sabha ka saz-o-samaan phoonk dooN

iss ka gulshan phoonk dooN us ka shabistan phoonk dooN

takhat-e-sultan kya main sara qasr-e-sultan phoonk dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya kaooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN

I've a dream, a dream of CLEAN Pakistan, clean from all malice. Free from clutches of dirty politicians. 

I've a dream of people taking pride in being a Pakistani, I dream of people having a sense of belonging for their motherland. 

I've a dream of people cultivating this sense of belonging, of realizing their responsibility towards nation.

I do not expect them to make Huge sacrifices or change their life style drastically or overdo their responsibilities or change everything overnight, I only expect them doing the basics, as they say when nothing is going right for you then try to stick to the basics and try. 

I want to see people actually fighting the self-made evils; I just want every individual to do their act right.
I want to see people actually respecting the fellow human being, treating the others ‘normally’ without any disdain or hatred. 

I want to see people following the laws and when need arises raising their voice against some weird out-dated laws. 

I want to see people standing in queues in a civilized way. 

I want to see people driving as per laws, cause one moron can cause traffic disruptions, resulting time-loss of hundreds. 

I want to see people not to spit, litter on roads or using the nook and corner as their urinals, at least I expect this from educated people, but unfortunately here education doesn't come for rescue, most of the people I see doing all this look well off and well educated. Most disheartening is to see parents setting the wrong examples for their kids; all these small menace have become so much a part of our life style that we do not see any wrong in doing so. 

We all are so much self-absorbed in our small gains caring a damn for fellow countrymen; forget about the country.

Everybody does all sort of manipulations for their petty gains, manipulations like…..smuggled goods/liquor, fake bills, abetting audio/video piracy etc etc, we buy movie tickets in black, train tickets from touts without ever realizing once that there is someone who is at loss. 

We cheat on the revenue earned by the Govt. in form of taxes and other levies, which in turn affects the development plans; Simple.
And the most common excuse increasing this rot is....”Sab kartey hai”, but two wrongs don’t make a right.

In the same manner as we go higher in ladder, the level of corruption increases, our leaders, industrialists engage in bigger and dirtier mal-practices without any opposition, and again there is a common loser.... our Country.

I know a lot of people who agree with all this but continue to do so, their argument; that we cannot survive in the existing structure/society without these practices, but who will correct the system? Who will stop the rot? I know, not everybody can join politics, but again someone has to take the call, to come forward. It is difficult but not impossible. 

Yes, change is possible and my "deal" is to change myself first at individual level. 

“Issi andhere se nikale gee ujaaley ki kiran..par shart hai ke hum shuru'aat karengey”

Yes, I do believe in God, I believe in miracles, I've full faith in HIM.

There is someone somewhere who is guiding me, my actions, and cares for me; loves me unconditionally. I’m bad, manipulative but still I believe God loves me, HE loves everybody, all HIS good and bad creation. At times, it is so relaxing to leave everything to HIM, and let HIM decide what is in favor of everybody.

It gets tiring to be all pleasing for everyone all the time. I hate all the sarcasm, I hate those taunting jeering remarks' influx all the time. Sometimes I crave happy moments. I never had that back home. I understand S's attitude. We never had a life like this. We lived differently. We lived simple and happy. Nobody was in love with his/herself and nobody spoke sarcastic.

But I should not complain. It could have been real bad but He blessed me. 

Feeling Anti-Technology

I am hating all technology at the moment. I still can't decide how my blog should look like and I am so hating the different font styles when I view my past entries. What the hell should I choose? And where in the world should I go to follow it. Urgh! This is so annoying. Been applying here and there and have soooo many reservations about those around me. It's so hard to live life like a sponge, where you absorb everything and then until and unless someone doesn't squeeze it outta you, you just don't spill!

Been out of touch with my blog, with almost everything. It was as if I am on a vacation from Life, itself.
Life is trying hard to get back on its track with me but somehow "Baat nahi ban rahi" is happening. Me and Him, are the emotional twins, what goes wrong with me, goes hayire with him too and it gets very hard because when one of us should be comforting the other, the other is going through a tough time him/herself. 

I have hit the writer's block! A writer's worst nightmare!

Exhaling...

Sleep has been had.
could use more,

but perspective has been gained.

i think 2 important ingredients for not being a self-involved jerk are 

1) thankfulness and 2) perspective.

June 20, 2013 so far

It's almost 11:00 am here at the office and I think I've developed Malaria or some disease. I feel cold at times and my eyes always burn, my legs hurt and it gets so so so cold in the night (please don't forget its the end of June here and technically it should be hot, if not very but it should be hot and here I am, all cold and stuff.
I get tired so much and I just messaged the brother to bring me the multi vits, I hope they succeed in making me feel better. I think what is not right isn't on the outside. There is something else brewing on the inside and it's going to hit me bad if I didn't do something drastic about it.
The husband is very @gilamand@ as we say and he is just not getting happy about the way I am turning things around me. he wants me to dress up for him and be like the other women (hence, his inclination towards others) and he purposely or maybe not is trying to somehow kill that spark in me and honestly, it is dying slowly.
I have work to do, will get back to it again. Just that today, I am very sad.. from my insides.. I am sad..

10–10 THINGS GOD SHOULD HAVE TOLD WOMEN & MEN

WOMEN

1. You can find the keys in your bag by looking inside it instead of fumbling for them.

2. The people in movies are just acting, they are not actually dying of cancer.

3. Men are not magicians, they cannot tell what you want unless you tell them.

4. It is not normal to remember every other woman’s dress in great detail.’

5. There is a rear view mirror and two side mirrors in a car and they are not for decoration.

6. A mess has to be created before you can clean it up. Be thankful to those who help satisfy your desire to clean up.

7. Secrets, by definition, should not be told to anyone, regardless of whether the fact that they are secrets is communicated too.

8. Your children are not the prettiest in the world, its just your motherly illusion.

9. Men who don’t lie are stupid and those who lie and get caught by you are pitiable.

10. Males of every species are more attractive. Look at lions, peacocks……and men.

MEN

1. You are not God!

2. A lie does not become the truth no matter how many times you repeat it.

3. Having the remote in your hand does not mean that you should change channels continuously.

4. Having an organ in your pants does not mean that you should use it for a brain.

5. If stuff was supposed to be on the floor, closets would not have been invented.

6. It looks stupid when you go crazy if some team from the other end of the world wins a match. Nobody from that team even knows you.

7. Ladies’ Tennis is not all about legs, there is also a racket and a ball.

8. When you think you are using a woman, it is actually the other way around.

9. It is okay to make a fool of yourself when trying to impress a woman but always have the guts to admit that you are the one who is being made a fool and mostly you still fail to impress her.

10. Your mother is not the only smartest woman in the world, its just your sonly illusion.

Hahaha!

Remember when:

1. You stared at a digital watch continuously in the last minute of the hour to catch the moment when all numbers changed at once?

2. You tried to control your pee and succeeded for hours, only to fail seconds before you got your pants off?

3. The cop signaled to the car behind you or right in front of you to stop and your heart sank, even though you weren’t doing anything wrong?

4. Your wife or parents or someone called and asked where you were, and you spontaneously lied, without any reason at all?

5. You met someone and couldn’t remember his name and kept making lame efforts to get him to tell it, like ‘how do you spell your name?’

6. You nodded your head when asked if you knew about something even when you had no idea what it was?

7. You told a story claiming it happened to someone you know, when actually you had just heard it from someone who claimed it had happened to someone he/she knew?

8. You laughed at a joke or a witty remark hiding the fact that you did not get it?

9. You did not recognize the voice on the phone but pretended that you did, all the while trying to recall the name?

10. You pressed ‘like’ on a status not because you liked it, but because you wanted people to see that you liked such stuff?

Where are you?!

Where are the people who want to be something? Where are those who want to constantly improve? All I see around me are people who are desperately trying to justify whatever they are or whatever they are not. People who have achieved something keep saying things that have only one aim: to show that there success was not a fluke, that they actually deserved it. Of course there are also those that go to even greater lengths trying to show that it was actually a fluke, this type seems apologetic for being successful or rich. And this habit of theirs convinces more people of the opposite of what they are trying to prove.

On the other hand, those who have not been able to do much or be much in the world keep insisting directly or indirectly that it is not their fault. They spend their time either trying to show that they were victims of bad luck or some conspiracy or trying to establish that the ones who did succeed are nothing more than flukes.

Where are the people who want to keep trying, keep improving and not give a shit about whether their success or failure is justified? Where are those who live rather than spend all their life proving that they deserve to live and forgetting to live in the process?

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ON NEWS CHANNELS

1. The head of our Channel has just admitted that he is an Indian Agent.

2. Nothing much happened today.

3. The Prime Minister has just said that the government is unstable and might fall any day.

4. The government has just announced that they have fucked up…….again.

5. A suicide stabber killed himself with a knife in a busy market in Peshawar today.

6. Leader of the opposition has clarified that principles have nothing to do with politics and such filthy concepts must not be mentioned in his presence.

7. Chairman PCB has finally said something that makes sense.

8. Police have actually caught a terrorist today……I swear!

9. And we must remind you that this news was broken first by our rival news channel.

10. A commission has given its clear findings in a week and government is already doing something about them.

KINDS OF PEOPLE YOU SEE AT A TYPICAL WEDDING

1. The chronically starved individuals whose sole aim is to eat as much as they possibly can without any care for decency, manners or their own digestive systems. These people’s time at the wedding is divided into the waiting-for-the-meal and eating-like-animals phases.

2. The incurable tharkis who are just there to check out the girls and try their luck.

3. The girls who are just there waiting to be noticed by the incurable tharkis.

4. The older people who want one more moment in the beautiful sunshine of importance.

5. The kids who could not care less if it were a funeral instead of a wedding and who spend their whole time running around aimlessly and continuously.

6. The baradari who are there primarily in the hope that something would go drastically wrong and they would have a ball telling the story to everyone who didn’t attend. If nothing goes drastically wrong, they do not lose heart and make up some story worth being told.

7. The women who don’t give half as much importance to the occasion as they do to their ambition of looking better than every other woman, including the bride.

8. The mothers who come with only one thing on their minds, a bride for their eligible sons.

9. Those who did not want to come but were forced to by the fact that the parents of the groom / bride attended the wedding of their son / daughter.

10. The poor creatures who don’t even know who is getting married, and had to come just because there was no one else to take their grandpa or chacha or mama to the wedding.

Being Stupid or Not..

When I was born, I was stupid and remained so for many years. What else can you call the kind of things a baby does, crying, drooling, speaking gibberish, laughing for no specific reason. As I grew up, well, I have no idea if I ceased being stupid but I did learn that what is much more important than not being stupid is not being considered stupid. And to do that, all you have to do is not do the stuff the society considers stupid. Of course, if the society itself is stupid, you will not be considered stupid if you act stupidly. However, you might be perceived as stupid if you act wisely. But nobody knows if the society is stupid or not since society itself is the judge of that and nobody would have the shamelessness to admit that he or she is stupid.

So, I guess it is next to impossible to know if I am actually stupid or not. In a world occupied by babies, not drooling or speaking in understandable language might just be considered stupid. I think what I am trying to say here is that a stupid dog among intelligent humans is a stupid dog. But in the company of dogs, he is just stupid and among stupid humans, he is just a dog. But what about a wise human in the company of stupid dogs. Hmmm! He might be a stupid cow since stupid dogs won’t really know what to make of him. Understand? No? That’s fine, just hope that no one understands. That way none of us will be stupid.

Nature

I never liked Biology in school, but then I didn't like any other subject either. However, there are one or two random things that have somehow stuck in my mind. One of the facts I have not been able to forget is how the eye works. If I remember correctly, light reflects off an object and the reflected light rays enter our eye and form an image. The part that most interested me was that the image formed inside the eye is inverted. Our brains then invert the image again so it turns the right side up and only then do we perceive it correctly. In other words, our eyes see things upside down and our brain turns them the right way. I cannot help imagining what would happen if our brain suddenly stopped doing that. We'll see the whole world upside down, and would act on it accordingly only to be frustrated when our actions do not produce the desired results.

Thankfully that does not happen because Nature has designed our brains in a way that they perform this task by themselves. Unfortunately, this automatic functioning is limited to the physical objects we see with our eyes. As for everything else, it is up to us to use our brains and make sense of the upside down images. Since we are so reluctant to use our brains, isn't it possible that we are just seeing everything wrong and no matter how hard we try we just cannot make our actions produce the desired results. If that is true, then the solution does not lie in racking our brains in frustration or working harder. The solution probably lies in starting to use our brains and get our perspectives straight. Everything else comes later.

.........

I sometimes feel that he has this funny tendency of taking things too seriously. At other times, though I think he has a serious problem, he finds everything funny;

Is he the only one in this population of around seven billion who wants to be unique in a manner that he wants to be just like everyone else…..only better. Is he the only one who wants to be different and wants everyone else to be different just like him?

Does he really think that thought is useless? Does he imagine that we live in a world where imagination has no place? He gave a long speech the other day on the complete futility of words. He convinced the audience that no one can be convinced. The audience was so thrilled when he proved that any sort of appreciation is generally counter-productive, that they applauded for a full minute.

I think they all believed him when he said that belief is a mirage. They loved his idea that philosophy and ideas are the domain of the impractical and should be ignored. In the end, he was hailed as a hero and they promised to follow him to the ends of the earth because they trusted him. They were in awe of this man, who was so different from all the others; who hated being a leader and said that awe was the hobby of weak minds.

I find it hard to understand how some people can be afraid of change. It’s not like being afraid of crowds or heights or enclosed spaces, because one can avoid all these or at least try to avoid them. Being afraid of change is more like being afraid of breathing or air or your skin. Change, like all these things, is always there. Anyone who appears to have this desire to avoid change is simply unaware that everything around him is changing all the time. The cells in his body, his thoughts, the position of the sun, moon and heavenly bodies, even the angle of the earth; nothing stays the same.

Maybe people who are afraid of change just believe that things can remain the same only because they are not able to perceive the constant change every moment brings. Maybe by trying to avoid change, they are just trying to perpetuate their misperceptions. Maybe they are afraid to know the truth, afraid to see, afraid to be aware. And that, as I said in the beginning, is hard to understand.

We are but the smallest components of this universe. What happens in far off galaxies or other planets in our solar system has next to no significance in our lives. Then what is important to us? The events around the globe? In our own country? In our city? There is so much going on at the same time that it is difficult to imagine anyone being completely aware of all events that occur at any given time. This is true despite the fact that a number of those unknown events may have serious implications for us. But we don’t know, so we don’t care. Then how do we decide what events are important. Obviously we do precious little to try and gather information that has not been handed over to us on a plate. We restrict ourselves to information that comes to us………….through the media, through people we meet or even through bits and pieces of conversations that we pick up from here and there. And then we decide what is important enough for us to spend / waste our time on. But do we really? I guess we don’t even take that much trouble. We consider important events that we are told are important………by the media, by the people we meet or even by people whose conversations we happen to hear. So, should we trust this information? Is it actually important? Is anything actually important? What about things that we are or at least should be absolutely sure about? Like the fact that it is not a good idea to hurt people or disobey laws or tell lies or commit injustices or make money through illegal and / or unfair means. We don’t need anyone to give us that information or to tell us that it is important. We know. And yet, we don’t. So is anything significant? Are we significant?

Sometimes words elude you. You feel like you have so much to say but don’t have the words to say it. Maybe, such a state of mind is not that bad. Because language and words are only useful for saying stuff that has the same meaning for everyone. For feelings, emotions, and thoughts that are yours alone, things that you experience inside your soul, things that cannot be shared without losing their essence; there are no words.




So, I think without words, I feel without giving those feelings a name, I float in a wordless, timeless, and limitless ocean that cannot be described. And I hope to drown and then re-emerge with a clarity that does not need words, which cannot and does not want to be shared.

Now...

When I was in the kindergarten, I believed in the tooth fairy. As I grew into a school-going child, I realized how silly I had been to have such a belief. I was also a little bemused by my elders who had put the incredible notion in my head and then had gone on with their lives without the least bit of remorse for making an innocent child believe in a thing that they well knew to be non-existent.


As a school-going child, I believed in concepts of justice and honesty and that the whole world operated under a wonderful system and that governments of the world were working hard to maintain peace and ensure prosperity for the population. As I entered college, I realized what a load of crap all this was and I was irritated by the teachers who had instilled these beliefs in my head and then had gone on with their lives as if these were the most obvious truths imaginable.

When I entered university, I started believing in a world that had gone wrong and which could only be rectified by hard work and persistence and a concerted, untiring effort of the youth. I believed in a great future since everyone wanted this country and the world in general to rise from the depths of rottenness and reclaim the heights it was destined for. I believed in a future that would be built on our sacrifices. But when I entered practical life, I realized that people on this planet were not only unwilling to bring about a change, they were completely unaware of the mess they were in. And anyone who attempted to change the state of things would invariably be confronted with the worst kinds of problems created by the very people that he was trying to help. I was annoyed with all those who presented such a rosy picture to me and did not give any attention to preparing me for what was coming.

Now I am in practical life. I work and I try and I fight. But I don’t believe in anything with too much fanaticism now. Nothing is what it seems. Now I don’t believe, I work and I try and I fight and I live.

Some exceptions to me..

1. To be an award-winning actor, you must know how to act, or how to dance or at least have some meaningful dialogues. —- Katrina Kaif is an exception.




2. To win the Nobel Peace Prize, you need to have done at least something for world peace (And sending troops into a sovereign country does not count). — Barrack Obama is an exception.




3. To give religious sermons, you need to know the art of speaking and the science of religion. — Junaid Jamshed is an exception.

4. To be a religious leader, you must stay away from at least a few of the things forbidden in that religion. — Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman is an exception.

5. To host a successful TV show, you need some talent other than thinking that you are the best host in the world. — Sahir Lodhi is an exception.

You give it a title

Why are we so obsessed with issues that are either too obscure to warrant any sort of meaningful discussion or too large for our tiny minds to comprehend? Why do we feel this urge to keep discussing things like what is the problem with Pakistan, or what is the meaning of life, or what is happiness or what is love or is media a blessing or a curse et cetera? Isn't this absurd when we have much more more more pressing and much simpler issues that need our urgent attention? Issues like how to get to work in time and how to keep our expenses within our means or how to ensure that we get enough exercise and enough vitamins and enough proteins etc.?

Could we be suffering from some sort of a superiority complex? Have we read too many books or heard too many intellec(chawals) on TV so that we are now under the false impression that our foremost duty is to think of solutions to the issues plaguing humanity since before we were born?

I don’t know for sure but I have this strange idea that we must keep our focus on ourselves first. Maybe, the fact that the garbage from my house is daily thrown on some open plot is much more pressing for me than the environmental pollution being caused by the industries of the western world. Maybe my habit of gossiping should be more of a concern for me than the impact of media on national mindset. Maybe my aversion to reading has far greater significance than the low literacy rate of Pakistan. Just maybe!

My issues are more important because if I ignore them, no one else will do anything about them either. My issues are where I should start. Shouldn't your issues be where you start? Maybe such a start will put me in a better position to think about the larger picture. The larger picture is also made up of small parts, and I am one of those parts.

Nothing scares me...........

I am afraid of nothing. Nothing scares me. And yet, there are days when all I see around me is nothing. Everything seems an illusion, a deception, a trick of perception. Everything seems destined for destruction, sure to end one day without leaving a trace, without leaving behind any sign that it once existed. Do things that are certain to vanish one day in the future, actually, truly present in the present. I am not sure, but I try to get rid of such thoughts as quickly as possible.




Because when you start thinking on these lines, everything seems dead, gone, doomed, illusory, false. And then you are left with nothing. Nothing all around. And I don’t want that…….because nothing scares me.

Freedom..

Everyone is free to destroy themselves if they want. Can animals commit suicide? I don’t think so. And if they cannot, maybe that is one of the most fundamental differences between us and them. We are free to harm ourselves, free to live surrounded by our own illusions and fantasies, free.




Sounds weird? Well, it is not. Because success, greatness, glory, illumination, elevation, everything good about this life comes at a price. You just cannot live without choosing; simply because you have been bestowed with the faculty of choice. You must choose. And if you refuse to choose; well you are still making choices, you are just too ignorant to know it or too cowardly to face up to the results.

The price of the freedom to become great is that you also get a freedom to become small. Unlike animals, we cannot go through life on the same plain. We rise, or we are made to fall. Every moment is a choice and every moment changes you. Since you are not likely to even remember most of these moments, it makes a case for giving each one all the more importance; because once it is gone, it is gone; gone from the world, gone even from your memory. What remains is just the effect, which could be destruction or elevation to another level.

Fretting too much about what you cannot do is the worst way to spend a life. It takes one’s mind away from what actually can be done. Why should I care about what I cannot do? Frankly, it does not make any sense at all. But then again, what does!

Probably the most annoying are the stupid questions people keep asking...

1. They call you in the middle of the night and then ask “Did I disturb you?” For heaven’s sake man, even if I was not sleeping, you should be very sure that whatever I was doing, a call at that hour is disturbing.

2. You enter your house or office all drenched and they inquire “Is it raining?” What else did you think, Einstein? That I took a shower in my car?

3. Sitting in a restaurant, they would conveniently point to a dish on the menu and ask the waiter “Is this good?” What response do they expect from an employee of the same restaurant? He won’t say “No sir! That’s awful, the cook spits in it” even if that were the truth.

4. A friend of theirs is sobbing in a corner, and they would ask “Is something wrong?” I wonder if they ever hear a reply like “No no! I am just doing tear Yoga as part of my Kung Fu training.”

5. And their favourite seems to be the question they keep asking every kid they meet. “Mama acchhi hain ya Baba?” Give the kid a break man, I know there are too many dysfunctional families around but you don’t have to mess up the kid’s mind just because you don’t have anything more sensible to ask.

And then there are the completely unnecessary statements of the obvious.

6. “Ohh! It’s ten p.m.” Yes sir I am not blind and I can tell the time from a clock.

7. “It is so hot today.” Hmm! Really? I wouldn’t know, since I live in an air-conditioned hole in the ground.

8. “Light aa gayee” or even more irritating “Light chalee gayee!” I have not come from the Stone Age, I know what it means when the room suddenly goes dark or is lit up.

And Finally the totally illogical ways to start a sentence that are too common to tolerate now.

9. “I don’t think I should say this…” Then don’t say it na! Why can’t you trust your own thinking?

10. “Promise me you won’t mind” Now how can I make such a promise without knowing what you have to say. You could be about to say something indecent about my mother for all I know. Do you really think I decide to mind or not mind something before hearing it?

Facebook Special Dedication

Dear FB Friends –


1) Please stop this stupid WC soccer madness, I don't want to know why you support Germany and hate Spain.
Stop this once in 4 years fake loyalty drama.
If you are really so much into soccer then please name just 3 players of current Pakistan Soccer Team.



2) Stop giving sermons on how one should live their lives. Please.

3) And most importantly, if you want to say something then go ahead say it loud and clear; please stop using your status messages as cryptic messages for someone. Or better use email.

Thank you.

Long time Bloggie! I missed you :-O

SO much to catch up to and so not in the mood to! For now, I started work as a Coordinator and I'm lovin it! Right now at work and listening to songs from Kai Po Che and wai wai! What songs!! :-)




Another year and I realize it when it's half gone!! I guess Nadar's slow motion is catching up on me as well, and surprisingly this time I'm not just conned but convinced that "Two-Zero-One-Three' is going to be a smashing year.




So no resolutions or re-solutions for me, I just want to start to my year with this beautiful ghazal filled with optimism.





Ek brahman ne kahaa hai ke ye saal achchhaa hai


Zulm ki raat bahut jald talegii ab to

Aag chuulhon mein har ik roz jalegii ab to




Bhookh ke maare koi bachchaa nahin royega

chain ki neend har ik shaKhs yahaan soyega




Aandhi nafarat ki chalegi na kahin ab ke baras

pyaar ki fasal ugaegi zameen ab ke baras




Hai yakeen ab na koi shor-sharaabaa hoga

zulm hoga na kahin Khoon-kharaabaa hoga




Os aur dhuup ke sadamein na sahegaa koi

ab mere desh mein beghar na rahega koi




Naye vaadon ka jo daalaa hai vo jaal achchhaa hai

Rehanumaaon ne kaha hai ke ye saal achchhaa hai




....dil ke Khush rakhane ko Ghalib ye Khayaal achchhaa hai



--Sabir Dutt

Bitter Sweet...

Got a regret letter from some Syeda ABC informing me that they couldn't place me. I bet she must be having a time of her life because eventually shes in there and I am not. Although she lied and I did not, although she made things up and I was just being myself. So this makes me the loser. Reality check!

This is sad and brings me so down.... My heart keeps on sinking these days but it never seems to hit a bottom and I keep waiting anxiously for the "thud" but it just never comes.. I dont know what's going on. I am depressed beyond limit today. All alone and by myself, I thought I was quite entertaining but boy oh boy! Have I bored myself or what!?! Just hating life these days!

The wind speaks of..

Shatter me into a million crystal hellos,

and a trillion emerald goodbyes.




Reduce me to the echoing of a once whisper,

upon a rustic, willow trunks ear.




Bleed me into a burgundy velvet ocean,

drowning a thousand forevers in its never.




Tread carefully around me,

tiptoe on wishes and desires,

step over long lost intimacies,

tango with ideas the wind speaks of.




Deconstruct me into a flock of incandescent creatures,

hovering over hopes and dreams,

conducting the orchestra of sensation,

tuning the instruments of our melody.




Hear me in the deepest of silences,

amplify me with infinite wishes,

made upon a billion white specks,

painted on a navy silk fabric speaker.




Call my name out into vastness,

feel my presence unfold into layers of thick, creamy ephemeral pleasures,

attempt to hold me in your hands as i drip through your fingers,

with sweet, delectable texture, screaming for a taste.




Cut me into a dozen miniature regrets,

sprinkle amnesia lightly across me,

serve me on a silver platter of eternity,

wait for the cue of eager blindness to consume me.

The All so famous: My Insanity

Slowly...I feel it taking over myself.

Like its slowly eating me alive.

I don't think anyone can help me with this,

Its a battle with my inner self.




Maybe a doctor? Or a friend? Even a parent could help.

But no...they wouldn't understand, the thing inside me.

If I let it out, people could get hurt, or even...die.

Does anyone understand? Do they live through this too?




Sometimes, I talk to myself. It doesn't always help.

I tried telling my friends, they didn't believe me.

My parents disowned me, they called me crazy.

They are probably right.




The feeling building up inside, it doesn't go away.

This feeling wants to be free. It wants to manifest into something horrid.

I know that one day, it will consume me.

But for now, I must hold it off, just for now.




Until I can find a way,

To fight off my insanity.

The urge to let it out, it practically killing me.

Its like a monster, that I've been fighting.










Its complete Insanity...

A Very Happy Birthday to my son-like little brother, Surmed aka Mawn as I like to call him :-) The spoilt brat of our family, the apple of our eyes, Ami's and Abu's favourite baby and my closest friend. I wish and pray that you get everything in this life, the highest ranks and the biggest success may all be yours here and the hereafter. I will forever love you and cherish you and pray for you. Many Many Many happy returns of the day, brother! 

April 15 :-)

.

I stare at the screen, waiting for some burst of inspiration to rain upon me like a meteor shower sent straight from the gods of literature heaven.




Nothing.




A sigh escapes my lips, and I haphazardly bash random buttons of the keyboard, watching as the blank document before me is littered with an incoherent placement of characters. The monotone click-clack seems to just resonate with the narcoleptic beating of my heart, further fueling my senseless crusade.




Where has all my writing gone?




It feels like it was just sucked right out of my soul. Ideas constantly plague my mind, yet all I can do is write them down. When I go to type them out, nothing happens. And then, just as quickly as my urge to write appears, it is gone in a flash—and all I can do is slump forward and hope that maybe next week I'll get something productive done.




My fingers halt in their endless assault of the keyboard, and my eyes slide up to scan the nonsense I've created on the bright screen. It's nothing but pointless keyboard spam, yet sadly a part of me is somewhat relieved that I have at least filled up the blank document with a semblance of proper words. As this notion eases across my mind, my eyes catch sight of a certain bit of the nonsensical combinations of letters and numbers and punctuation marks—it practically flares up at me as if the word itself is on fire, and I merely stare.




Prussia.




"…hah," the meager laugh sounds just as worn down as I feel. "That's pathetic. Out of all the words I could have subconsciously written correctly, I type down that one? Guess it just shows how childish I still am, after all I've vowed to do."




I rub my eyes and figure the best thing to do is put the laptop away for another night and get some rest. It wasn't like I was going to make any headway on a story in the first place. At most, I might have been able to concoct a poem of some sort; maybe jot down a few more plot ideas here and there. But actually sitting down and getting a chapter of a story completely written over the course of a single day? Not a chance.




"I need sleep," I mutter as I exit out of the document, not even hesitating to click "don't save" when the option to save the file pops up. My cursor hovers over the shut-down button on the menu of the laptop, and for a moment I simply stare at the wallpaper I haven't changed since I first bought the damn machine.




Prussia. Prussia in all his "awesome" glory. A collage of random fanart images of the Hetalia: Axis Powers character, one that I remember squealing with happiness the moment I came across it. A bitter smile curves upward on my lips, and I shake my head. "I was an idiot back then. Just a raving fangirl. One who wrote nothing but pointless fanservice. One who thought of nothing but Hetalia. One who…practically broke away from her friends and family for the sake of immersing herself in the fantasy world of Hetalia and its characters. And…Prussia…"




Gilbert Beilschmidt.




A name that, as soon as I had learned of it, I knew I would cherish for a very long time. The human name for the country of Prussia as deemed by fans and author of the Hetalia series alike.




I had fallen in love with that name and the persona identified with it the moment I read it. Yet now, all I can do is wince and regret that unfortunate event.




"…why?" I ask myself softly, still staring at the wallpaper. His silver-white hair, his mischievous ruby-hued eyes, that handsome and confident pale face…there's about a dozen figures on the screen, thrown together in one single collage, and every single image seems to scream the same exact thing:




"I'm awesome!"




"Why?" I repeat to myself in a quiet tone, not able to tear my gaze from the wallpaper. "Why did I let it get so out of hand? My adoration for the series…and my 'love' for you. It was all I lived for. For a year and a half. It was all I talked about—all I thought about. All I wanted to be."




I close my eyes and remove my hand from the mouse, just sitting there and thinking. Memories flood back in my mind like a tsunami—of first finding Hetalia and watching a bit; of how it quickly evolved into an unhealthy obsession; of telling my friends "no" when they asked me to hang out because I'd rather stay home and look up as much Hetalia-related things as I could; of writing nothing but cheap, smutty reader inserts when I should have done so much more with this "gift" of writing people keep saying I have; and, of most of all, spending so many nights crying myself to sleep because I so desperately wanted nothing more than for Prussia himself to come to life and call me his awesome Frau.




"And now look at me," I mumble, opening my eyes once more. "I'm constantly thinking about all the things I missed out on while I was in my Hetalia-induced stupor. Hah," a slightly bitter laugh makes itself known, "I've even gotten to the point where my standards for actual men are impossibly high, due to my damn obsession with that harem of fictional characters."




I glare at the collage of Prussia now, my blood feeling hot and cold at the same time. "It's all because of you! If you hadn't…been as awesome as you are, I would have never gotten so wrapped up in a fantasy world! I would have written stories that were actually worth something, instead of pointless reader inserts about how you seduce a make-believe version of me! Dammit, Prussia—Gilbert—I…I…I hate you!"




"Nein, Frau. You don't."




My heart leaps straight to my throat.




I would recognize that outrageous German accent until the day I died.




My head raises from the glowing screen of my laptop to the foot of my bed. There, standing right in front of me, is the source of my woes.




Prussia—Gilbert Beilschmidt—in the flesh.




I gape, my mouth closing and opening like a fish out of water. He simply stands there, in his usual blue military outfit, those crimson eyes locking with mine like a heat-sensing missile. I can't move—I can barely breathe. A million words get caught on my tongue, like a fly trapped in a spider's web, and everything I wish to say melts away into a stream of incoherent noises.




"Y-You…y-you're…why are you…I-I must be…"




He leans against the bed for a second, before hauling himself up and sitting cross legged on the folded up blanket at the end, reaching one pale hand out and gently pushing the laptop lid down. Now there is no barrier between us as we both stare at one another, as if in a life-or-death staring contest, neither one of us blinking.




At last, Gilbert speaks.




"You don't hate me, Schatz. You hate that I'm only pixels on a screen—awesome pixels at that." He manages a cheeky grin that lasts only a moment. "You hate that you were desperate enough to latch onto the idea of me. You hate that you were weak and let yourself be swept away in…everything I was. You don't hate me, liebe. You hate yourself, and the fact that you can't turn back time and stop yourself from drowning in my awesomeness."




The words aren't being said in his usual arrogant, bragging tone. They are simplistic; realistic.




And I know they are the truth.




"…I'm sorry," I whisper, not being able to bring myself to look him in the eyes. "I'm sorry, Prussia. Gilbert. I'm sorry I…let it all get so bad. I'm sorry I keep wanting to blame everything on you when in reality, it's my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"




"It's fine," he replies in that same soft, sincere tone. "I know, liebe. I know. But you can't dwell on this, ja? You have to keep moving forward." His hands reach out, carefully grasping my own. Rather than a delicate warmth pressing against my skin, all I can feel is air. "You have to do what you love. Writing. Write whatever the hell you want! So what if it may take you all the time in the world? At least you'll be doing what you love. So stop hating yourself, Schatz, and learn to smile again."




Prussia smiles now, and it's all I can do to not throw myself at him and pour my soul out to him—this character I've come to love and both hate at the same time.




"Be yourself. Be happy again. Laugh, cry, und smile. Stop despising yourself every chance you get—it isn't very awesome to do so, you know! I don't like unawesome things, remember? So…"




His forehead presses against mine.




Yet all I feel is nothing, and I can't help but close my eyes.




"Become yourself again—the healthy balance you keep wanting. Because that was the you that was truly awesome. I promise, mein Frau, that everything is going to be okay. Just remember that you are always awesome…you just need to find yourself again."




There's only silence, as I cannot find the right words to say, and he is finished speaking. At last, my tongue seems to work, and I can't help the slight tremble in my voice.




"…I love you, Gilbert. No matter what happens, some part of me will always love you. You were some of the best days of my life, even if it was one I lived in a fantasy world. I'll try to be awesome again. I promise. I don't hate you, Prussia. I love you."




My eyes open for the last time in our exchange.




He is gone, of course.




Because he was never there.




The bedroom around me turns blurry and my eyes feel hot and prickly, but I refuse to make a sound.




Instead, I merely open up the laptop again, log in, and bring up a fresh word document.




As my heart and soul break and try to piece one another back together simultaneously, I begin to type.

This is me being Oh so Random! :/

I want to change my name, move to a different country, start a new career… live a new life.

I want to get far far far away from here.

I'm actually not ready for the warm weather.

I like wearing sweaters and pants and layers and scarf and jackets…

And most people dress conservatively which is nice. You don’t see no fat jiggling around.

Well I mean warm weather has its perks too.

But I prefer not to sweat. 

I feel like I spend 80%, maybe even bordering closer to 90%, of my waking hours alone. I don’t literally mean alone like the human race died off, but as in strangers all around and no one to talk to and be your friend. I've taken a lot of tests that say I'm “introverted” but does that mean I'm supposed to be comfortable with this? I mean alone time every once in a while feels amazing and relaxing but when it seems to be all the time… it gets a bit depressing.

I guess listening to the mellow vibes of Cold-play doesn't help either.

it’s funny how my happiness lasts for such a short period of time but I guess I ask for it.

I hate that sort of half-depressed feeling. You’re not sobbing. You’re not content by any means. You’re not so down in the dumps that you’re afraid you can’t dig yourself out.

I feel like sometimes being vaguely depressed or anxious is my “default” feeling. I have this sort of sense that something is wrong for whatever reason. It’s non-specific.

It makes me angry because there is no reason for me to feel this way. My life sucks, yes, but you’d think on a sunny day where no big event has happened to make me upset that I would be what most people call “content”. Or is this feeling my version of content?

Am I even capable of being “content”? I don’t remember the last time I was happy without being friggin’ ecstatic and jumping around or humming and grinning.

Gosh, I would give almost anything to just function correctly. This is madness.

I've been thinking lately, and I mean really thinking.. I've known this for as long as I can remember, but I think I have finally realize how MEAN a person can be. How evil humanity actually is. I mean, just look at all those bullies out there, mindlessly spending their spare time purposely going out of their way to hurt others. I was watching the movie "Cyberbully" yesterday. And even though I have already seen the movie about twice, I still almost cried. It was that horrible to me. 

Sometimes I just wish people could just get along in perfect harmony. But then again, coming from my own experiences and the way I feel over stupid things, I know that will never happen, and that depresses me.

If there's two things people have in life its stupidity and greed. The only reason why bullies bully is due to the fact that it makes them feel better about themselves. An outlet of rage and aggression if you will. This world obviously isn't perfect and never will and so we make due with what we have in this pathetic life. However life is just a test for the afterlife. (depending on certain religions as I don't want to offend anyone) Our actions dictate other people's emotions and our own actions. Meaning, like a virus, we can become the bully or if we commit certain actions we can become a role in creating the bully. One of my favourite lines from a movie is this.

"Every action has an echo. And your actions just may be your undoing."

Meaning if you create an evil it can only kill you. Sometimes people just deserve it. Sorry about the rambling I just began to swerve off topic for a second. XD Anyway it is the truth.

I know it sounds mean, but the truth is that the majority of my friends are so hypocritical or fake that it makes me so mad. And no one ever listens, and no one ever really completely shows me that I can trust them. 

So I don’t really tell my friends anything about how I'm really feeling, because they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't care and most importantly, the majority of them wouldn’t even bother to listen. I'm not disputing the fact that they might hear me, but they don’t really listen. 

When I walk around , I feel like I’m isolated in a bubble, I make conversation with people and I smile and I’m happy for a while, but then I’m regularly reminded of the fact that they’re not my true friends. If I was really in trouble or hurt or scared they wouldn’t care. And that realization every day cuts deep, and it hurts so much that I suddenly can’t wait to go home to the comfort of my bedroom where I know I can always rely on myself.

Sometimes it would just be nice to know that some people care about me and how I am other than my family. It would be nice to know that I’m important to someone else.

I’m in a bubble and I’m alone. And I can’t wait for the day that I find some people willing to make the effort to burst it and show me that there is such a thing as people, other than my family, who care.

I need to breath..

Sitting here in the lounge, by myself, watching some stupid a** drama on HumTV and totally wasting my time, my life nowadays. I thing this nothing-to-do is getting to me now, I am sooo confused and messed up. I don't even feel like changing etc and I spend the entire day just lying around. I gave away a few clothes, our generator, the extra geezer and the room coolers to the lady, hoping it would make things easy for them but somehow it made me feel empty too. these are the things we grew up with, with ami and abu in the house and now giving them away made me feel so mixed up. I wish ami abu would come back, I am missing our home so much. Nadar and Surmed have gone out, playing cricket with their mates :) and I wish I were a guy too. May be then life would have been different. Guys are so lucky, they don't have to go through half of the things us women have to. Why is this so?? Ya Allah SWT please make things better for us. Ameen sum Ameen..

On the precipice of being anxious..

I have lived the past few weeks quite relaxed and like they say 'In the mood of it' But now suddenly reality checked it and its started to get to me now..
I need to, just NEED to get a job sooo badly! Oh man! And I need to start studying for my 2 exams.. Yikesss!

Being Random Again..

And yet, rough sketches are often attempted by hapless wordsmiths suffering from the condition, aided by crude and wholly inadequate metaphors. I have heard, for example, that it is like watching for rain on a cloudless day; or being snowed in all winter and waiting for spring. But meteorological observations such as these, I feel, do not nearly do justice to the intense discomfort - no, discomfort is far too mild a word - the spiritual agony that my heart entails. It is like the first-time high-diver who tiptoes to the edge of the diving board and then retreats, comes to the edge, retreats, comes to the edge again, and stares into the blueness below, fear prickling the skin, muscles completely and unequivocally unwilling to function. I can’t do it, I just can’t. Retreat. It is like the tears that will not come, even though your insides are bleeding from grief; the sneeze that nestles itself like an obstinate little cloud in your throat, feigning stage fright; like a slice of orange you squeeze with all your might but manage to get no more than a few drops of juice. It is like when you feel a strong attack of nausea, and you’re bent over the sink, in a state where there can be no ease of existence, waiting and waiting for your stomach to hurl its contents and deliver you from the turbulent condition of containing something that must come out. The cold bathroom floor, the surreal lighting, the sting of the bile that periodically rises up your throat. The long, peace-less wait. It is like suddenly learning that someone you had dinner with the night before has died in a car crash, and your brain ceases to process words or thoughts.



It is that moment, frozen for an eternity in which you just do not know what to say or feel. It is like being asked for sound advice on a day when you have far too many pickles of your own. An entire ensemble cast of soap-opera pickles, so many that the world doesn't make sense anymore, and other people’s worries can only be heard, not solved. If you try to think, you know you will go mad. But I have seen that, more than anything, it is like staring at the bolted door of a secret room. A forbidden room. A room where, instead of walls and a ceiling and a floor, there are only mirrors – mirrors everywhere. A room you dare not enter because you are afraid of what you will find. Because you are afraid of coming face-to-face with yourself, and all the scars you bear.

New events..

Good evening :-) Life has become good, for a change.. And it's quite entertaining if you look at it in a particular way.We were in latam(b)ar this past week, a sad sad sad event.. Nadar's addey (maternal grandmother) passed away on the 5th (Ina Lillahe Wa Ina Elaihe Rajeun), may Allah SWT grant her highest places in Jannat ul Firdous alongwith my ami and abu. Ameen sum Ameen.. Its a nice place, I've been there twice before but this was a longer stay and I met alot of new people who were warm and welcoming.. Then an interview today at RMI which quite fun to be honest.. It makes quite a big difference when you're appearing for an interview that the panel is friendly and open to you. What I disliked was the "predictable" role of a female member.. Ho she tried to cover up for her blunder and then paste it on me. For one thing, I hate liars. For second, I hate women.. so bingo! I hit jackpot! LOL..
It was a good experience and I look forward to hearing from them soon.
I had an interview at PC some past week and even they were very friendly and warm.. Is it me or the world is finally becoming a good place to stay?! :)

Got back home..

Hmph! So back home from our village, Mithakhel-Karak. It's such a beautiful and serene place, or seems to me specifically because we have our ammi and abba there. Home truly feels like home when you're around your elders. I pity those nowadays' girls who like to stay on their own with their husbands and they enjoy running their own homes.. It's very lonely to me. I find having ammi abba at home for us, such a blessing. Its the only time when we are truly relaxed, nothing to worry about.. Sleep early and wake up early to a very beautiful morning, a breath of fresh air.. You hear the birds chirping, you hear ammi calling you to join her in the kitchen, sit next to her, gossip like teen girls and laugh like crazy.. I love being there.. The only, ONLY catch is when it's summers and there's no light.. The "ghola" is frying in the scorching sun and there's hardly any shade or cool breeze to sooth that burning skin of yours. Otherwise, life at our kala is peaceful, serene, beautiful and fulfilling. When we return from there back to Peshawar, we return rich and happy :-)

Of votes and elections...

I have been thinking of posting here and there about who to support even if from home and whom to stay away from or avoid this time.. Even right now, there is a woman probably some MPA is talking at the top of her lungs trying to justify their party and the decisions they have made. Even if, she comes up with 1 or 2 of the things they can justify or make reason with, I don't think this government has done anything GOOD for the country or the nation so to say. I really wish people get enough sense this time to vote for, may be, Imran Khan just because he is new and hasn't been given a chance. The rest of them are all tried, test and failed terribly. May be when and IF Imran Khan is elected, things are soooo messed up that it will take him a while to set things, not right, but on the move towards getting right or even reaching a sustainable point. To be honest, it will be day dreaming to expect him to be elected one day and to fix everything the very next day. He has to first undo all the wrongs, then bring them to a no-harm-point and then make efforts to begin everything from scratch. This country doesn't need renovation, it needs to be REBORN.
May Allah SWT bless our country and that things may get better. Not for people like MALALA YUSUFZAI who like a stupid teenager worships AMREEKA and writes whatever her dear daddy dictates and thus wins awards everywhere. To me, she is just a stupid little wanna-be who doesn't know what she is talking about and likes all the attention she is getting. I have seen students die, be tortured, suffer irrecoverable, irreversible losses and yet me lost in a black-hole just because their fathers were not so well-linked. For God's sake, a nobel prize? Seriously?? May be France, Italy, USA, UK, bla bla should come and visit the less fortunate villages here in our country and witness what our youth has to go through everyday.
I sincerely hope Imran Khan wins, for the betterment of the country. May Allah have mercy upon us. Ameen!

Ultra Violet Hearts

You know what Emo N! Maybe we could draw hearts up and down our arms to make up for the ones inside that seem to be mere
shadow-organs. Maybe we could put cotton balls in jars, like in
doctor`s offices, and call them 'clouds', and then we`d always have a piece of our imaginary sky on our shelves. (Maybe we`d even add a pinch of silver glitter, for the stars, because the real ones are too high to reach). Maybe we could go to someone else`s party and whisper to each other in the corner, and we`d try to
be the prettiest wallflowers there. (You could be a tulip, and I could be an orchid). Maybe we could go door-to-door and try to sell candles with burned black wicks, and when people would reject them, we could say, 'but these are the
prettiest, because they`ve already glowed once.'. Maybe we could re-invent valentine`s day candy to
say phrases like 'broken' and 'gone' because they would be easier to believe than 'I love you' and 'be
mine' and 'forever'. (We are realists or at least I like to think so). Maybe we could wait for a midnight thunderstorm and watch the lightning strikes from the porch stairs, and when the rain got to be loud enough, we could stand beneath it and scream our lungs out. Maybe we could make pictures with too-wet watercolors, and we`d draw hands and hearts, and
the paint would bloom and the two would bleed and blend until the entire paper just looked like a
splotchy splat. (And it would be beautiful anyway). Maybe we could stand on the beach, right where the
water lapped up to touch our feet, and we could let our souls leave our bodies for a little while. We`d just
be shells of pale skin planted like mannequins in the sand, but it would be so pretty, because we`d be free....