Is it just me, or does this happen to everyone? This, that when everything inside is screaming to be heard, words will not comply? 

This, that when the panic-rises-to-a-crazy-boiling-point and everything seems topsy-turvy-stupid-within the only expression that seems to make sense is a big-wide-smile. 

Because, my loves, someone once told me that 'every time you smile - someone will fall in love'. And you think that the very least you can do is play eternal-cupid for someone else. Says the Rat, in her heartwarming (and ego-bruising) pep-talk, the only thing that distinguishes me from all-the-other-people-out-there-who-will-live-and-die and I have fulfilled an Angelina-Jolie-esque criterion for meaningful-existence, I have been of some use. Says she (and Jolie) that life being what it is, the only question your maker might ask of you when you're up there standing que at the pearly-gates-of-what-have-you is what use were you to the world (in general). What did you do, someone-out-there will demand, that justifies your existence to begin with. And if you don't have an answer, we speculate, then you may just be sent back to this world as a bug - or a dengue-macchar - who has but one purpose: to travel to the Philippines and infect S (remember my love, that the dengue you fear so very much is actually a little bug's salvation) and then to die knowing that the usefulness to the world has expired. N, once told me that in his past life he had been an executioner. You know them people who pull the plug and smile while the person-in-front-of-them-chokes-to-death-and-stuff. I wonder, sometimes, what my past life was all about. There was one Halloween-y moment when I thought that I might have been born a black-cat-in-Egypt. Which, you must admit, would probably have been a good life back in the day when the kali-billi was a creature of worship (and not the bugger you avoid in the road lest it cross your path and completely ruin your day). But upon reflection (some) it occurs to me that in a life before this perhaps I was a caterpillar. A little-green-worm snuggled up in a little leaf waiting for that painfully-beautiful moment in which life's purpose was achieved and it emerged from the cocoon as a butterfly. It also occurs to me that maybe it was right in the middle of the cataclysmic-change that the inevitable happened and I found myself at the pearly-gates completely unfulfilled and not-yet-a-butterfly. Perhaps that was the moment when I was sent back (not having been of much use in life number one), to try (once again) to achieve the metamorphosis-denied.

Just.

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.


Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away–
(Only you and I, understand!)


You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break,
and–Just tired.
So am I.


But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose
at the hopeless gate of your heart–
Open to me
For I will show you the places
Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.


Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.



- e. e. cummings

Being Genuine

Hey.. I felt like writing. Haven't decided as to what should I write about.. Depression is contagious. Have you ever thought about it. It's like if anyone around you complains.. and complains long enough, you start to whine too.

I want to feel relaxed and free. It's been a while, though. I want to be appreciated and laugh like a pig (okay whatever, I haven't seen a pig laughing but it kinda came up). I want to sing stupid Indian songs and dance to them and I want to be skinny and look good. Somehow, no matter how much I make myself up, I have a large tummy, an ugly double chin and I look pathetic. I want to feel good about myself but I don't seem to do that.

What is possession? The feeling , when you are in love. What happens when you let go? That hallow feeling when you know how madly you're in love with him but you're okay to share him. To let him marry as many times and to nurture his children from other women and you show your love for them all. Is this love, too? What kind of? Do you withdraw, do you feel sickened or have you just died? But if it is your own decision, why do people look at you with all that pity and sympathy? Do I 'need' that?

I want to do an MS and I want to do a Ph.D and I want to do with my N.

I will continue some other time.

Our Love's so Beautiful........

Since it's a writer's block that I am going through for the past couple of months, I'd just write about the one thing that I can and what I can do without any problems. N! My N! My husband. Unlike any other couples, we are best friends first and then married later. We talk about all the crap in the world and then we fight, get mad, withdraw and then run to each other and then hug and make up. We celebrate watching movies and eating food and peanuts and tea and what not.. Of course, N's new found love TANGRIII! Ha! It's yummy, btw! Try it if you haven't. We finished our stock or I'd have taken a pic and posted it here. Let me try Googling it, LOL.

I am over possessive and he isn't. Probably beacause I know he looks good at all times and any woman would rush to him and he isn't because he knows I am an old shabby looking 'shadi shuda' aunty and no guy would ever waste his time on me now. So it's a race he has already won!

There so many things we are identical in and then so many that we are completely opposite in. In my hearts of a heart, I am quite 'marawara' from him and same applies to him but there are places we would never touch no matter what because we both know that we wouldn't be able to come outta it.

His concept of being in love is way different than mine. And we are both crazy in our own separate and yet united ways. But what will never change is that we both love each other madly. And it's perfect.

I am hungry now. Gotta go make something and then download a new movie for tonight :D

I love you, madly, my N! <3

An All Timer!!!

shehar ki raat aur main nashad-o-nakaara phiroonN

jagmagati jaagati sarkooN peh aawara phriooN

ghair ki basti hai kab tak dar badar maraa phirooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jhilmilate qumqumon ki raah mein zanjeer si

raat ke hathon mein din ki mohani tasveer si

mere seene par magar chalti hui shamsheer si

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

yeh roopehli chhaon yeh aakash par taaroN ka jaal

jaise sufi ka tasavvur jaise aashiq ka khayaal

aah lekin kon jaane kon samjhe jee ka haal

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

phir woh toota ik sitara phir woh chhooThi puljhaRi 

jane kis ki gaud meiN aai yeh moti ki laRi

hook si seenay meiN uThi chaut si dil per paRi

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

raat hans hans kar yeh kehti hei ke maikhane meiN chal

phir kisi shahnaz-e-lalarukh ke kaashane meiN chal

yeh nahiN mumkin to phir ay dost veerane meiN chal

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

har taraf bikhri hui, rangeeniyaaN, r'aanaiyaaN 

har qadam par ishrateiN leti hui angRaiyaaN

baRh rahi hei gaud phailai hoi ruswaaiyaaN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ai wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

raaste mein ruk ke dam le loon meri aadat nahiN

laut kar vaapas chala jaaooN, meri fitrat nahiN

aur koi hamnawa mil jaaye yeh qismat nahiN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

muntazir hei eik tofaan-e-bala mere liay

ab bi jane kitne dervazay heiN waa mere liay

per museebat hei mera ahd-e-wafa mere liay

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jee meiN aata hei ke ab ahd-e-wafa bhi toR dooN

un ko paa sakta hooN main yeh aasra bhi chhoR dooN

haaN munasib hei yeh zanjeer-e-hava bhi toR dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

ik mahal ki aarh se nikala woh peela mahtaab

jaise mulla ka amama jaise baniye ki kitab

jaise muflis ki jawani jaise beva ka shabaab 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

dil meiN ik shola bhaRak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN

mera paemaana chhalak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN

zakham seenay ka mehak uTha hei aakhir kiya karooN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

jee meiN aata hei ke murda chaand taray nauch looN

iss kinare nauch looN aur us kinare nauch looN

eik du ka zikar kiya saaray ke saaray nauch looN 

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

muflisi aur yeh mazahir haiN nazar ke samane

saikaRoN changez-o-naadir haiN nazar ke samane

Saikaron sultan-o-Jabir hain nazar ke samne

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

le ke eik changez ke hathooN se khanjar toR dooN

taj per us ke damakta hei jo pathar toR dooN

koi toRe ya na toRe meiN hi baRh ke toR dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya karooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN 

baRh ke is indar'sabha ka saz-o-samaan phoonk dooN

iss ka gulshan phoonk dooN us ka shabistan phoonk dooN

takhat-e-sultan kya main sara qasr-e-sultan phoonk dooN

ay gham-e-dil kya kaooN, ay wahshat-e-dil kya karooN

I've a dream, a dream of CLEAN Pakistan, clean from all malice. Free from clutches of dirty politicians. 

I've a dream of people taking pride in being a Pakistani, I dream of people having a sense of belonging for their motherland. 

I've a dream of people cultivating this sense of belonging, of realizing their responsibility towards nation.

I do not expect them to make Huge sacrifices or change their life style drastically or overdo their responsibilities or change everything overnight, I only expect them doing the basics, as they say when nothing is going right for you then try to stick to the basics and try. 

I want to see people actually fighting the self-made evils; I just want every individual to do their act right.
I want to see people actually respecting the fellow human being, treating the others ‘normally’ without any disdain or hatred. 

I want to see people following the laws and when need arises raising their voice against some weird out-dated laws. 

I want to see people standing in queues in a civilized way. 

I want to see people driving as per laws, cause one moron can cause traffic disruptions, resulting time-loss of hundreds. 

I want to see people not to spit, litter on roads or using the nook and corner as their urinals, at least I expect this from educated people, but unfortunately here education doesn't come for rescue, most of the people I see doing all this look well off and well educated. Most disheartening is to see parents setting the wrong examples for their kids; all these small menace have become so much a part of our life style that we do not see any wrong in doing so. 

We all are so much self-absorbed in our small gains caring a damn for fellow countrymen; forget about the country.

Everybody does all sort of manipulations for their petty gains, manipulations like…..smuggled goods/liquor, fake bills, abetting audio/video piracy etc etc, we buy movie tickets in black, train tickets from touts without ever realizing once that there is someone who is at loss. 

We cheat on the revenue earned by the Govt. in form of taxes and other levies, which in turn affects the development plans; Simple.
And the most common excuse increasing this rot is....”Sab kartey hai”, but two wrongs don’t make a right.

In the same manner as we go higher in ladder, the level of corruption increases, our leaders, industrialists engage in bigger and dirtier mal-practices without any opposition, and again there is a common loser.... our Country.

I know a lot of people who agree with all this but continue to do so, their argument; that we cannot survive in the existing structure/society without these practices, but who will correct the system? Who will stop the rot? I know, not everybody can join politics, but again someone has to take the call, to come forward. It is difficult but not impossible. 

Yes, change is possible and my "deal" is to change myself first at individual level. 

“Issi andhere se nikale gee ujaaley ki kiran..par shart hai ke hum shuru'aat karengey”

Yes, I do believe in God, I believe in miracles, I've full faith in HIM.

There is someone somewhere who is guiding me, my actions, and cares for me; loves me unconditionally. I’m bad, manipulative but still I believe God loves me, HE loves everybody, all HIS good and bad creation. At times, it is so relaxing to leave everything to HIM, and let HIM decide what is in favor of everybody.

It gets tiring to be all pleasing for everyone all the time. I hate all the sarcasm, I hate those taunting jeering remarks' influx all the time. Sometimes I crave happy moments. I never had that back home. I understand S's attitude. We never had a life like this. We lived differently. We lived simple and happy. Nobody was in love with his/herself and nobody spoke sarcastic.

But I should not complain. It could have been real bad but He blessed me. 

Feeling Anti-Technology

I am hating all technology at the moment. I still can't decide how my blog should look like and I am so hating the different font styles when I view my past entries. What the hell should I choose? And where in the world should I go to follow it. Urgh! This is so annoying. Been applying here and there and have soooo many reservations about those around me. It's so hard to live life like a sponge, where you absorb everything and then until and unless someone doesn't squeeze it outta you, you just don't spill!

Been out of touch with my blog, with almost everything. It was as if I am on a vacation from Life, itself.
Life is trying hard to get back on its track with me but somehow "Baat nahi ban rahi" is happening. Me and Him, are the emotional twins, what goes wrong with me, goes hayire with him too and it gets very hard because when one of us should be comforting the other, the other is going through a tough time him/herself. 

I have hit the writer's block! A writer's worst nightmare!

Exhaling...

Sleep has been had.
could use more,

but perspective has been gained.

i think 2 important ingredients for not being a self-involved jerk are 

1) thankfulness and 2) perspective.