دسمبر کی ایک ادآس شام۔۔۔

Sometimes this entire life that I lived in the past seems like a dream, as if it is all unreal and it never really happened... And then I suddenly realize how late it has got... How it all has just slipped out of my hands like sand?! Where did all those people go? Where did I go? What have I become? What have you done to what and who I used to be? How my heart has just gone black... I spend what I earn just so I can feel empty again.. as if this is not what I want.. how I know our kids have also become a fantasy, something that I would later imagine with an Aladdin lamp.. because you couldn't do anything, because you were far. And I would forever be blamed. Forever. 

How many lies I tell every day just so that they can all respect you and fear you and be impressed... And how I suck inside... I have no dreams left. Just day by day... I slip away... And then I will be gone and you will sit by my grave and cry and say you are sorry because you tested me and didn't give me anything.. but what do I do with the tears? 

What does everyone else do?! I am angry and sad and anxious and depressed and weird and upset and alone and desperate.

I am.

Nothing.

No one.

Zindagi kay naam..

Us zakhm-e-jaan k naam, jo ab tak nahi bhara

Us zinda dil k naam, jo ab tak nahi mara

Un ehl-e-dil k naam, jo raahon ki dhool hain

Un hoslon k naam, jinhe dukh qabool hain

Us zindagi k naam, guzaara nahi jise

Us qarz-e-fann k naam, utara nahi jise

Un doston k naam, jo gosha nasheen hain

Un be-hisson k naam, jo baar-e-zameen hain

Un be dilon k naam, jo har dam malool hain

Un be bason k naam, jo gamlon k phool hain

Us shola rukh k naam, k roshan hai jis se raat

Hai zoofishaan andhere main, har nuqta-e-kitaab

Aur husn-e-bakamaal ki, ra’naiyon k naam

Aur apne zehen-o-qalb ki, tanhaiyon k naam

~ Aitbar Sajid ~

Medha Ishq Vi tu...

سنا ہےکہ جب کسی سے عشق ہوتا ہے تو اس سے جڑی ہر چیز سے محبّت اور عقیدت ہو جاتی ہے اُس کی باتیں اُس کی کتابیں  اُس کا گھر  گھر کے در و دیوار سے یہاں تک کہ اُس کے گھر میں لگے فانوس سے بھی عقیدت ہو جاتی ہے

یا اللہ اپنے آپ کو تیرا عاشق کہنے کے قابل تو نہیں سمجھتا کہ عشق تو دور محبت کا حق بھی نہیں ادا کیا ۔ لیکن یااللہ یہ سچ ہے کہ تیرے اور تیرے حبیب صل اللہ علیہ و آلہ وسلم کے گھر سے ، اس کے در و دیوار سے ، اس کی زمین سے ، اس کی گرد سے ، اس کی ہواوں سے فضاوں سے ، یہاں تک کہ اس کے فانوسوں سے بھی عقیدت و محبت اپنے دِل میں محسوس کی ہے ۔ یا اللہ اس بات کے بہانے اپنے اور اپنے حبیب صل اللہ علیہ و آلہ وسلم کے عاشقوں میں ابد تک کے لیئے میرا نام لکھ دے ۔ آمین

Good morning!

Hey Bloggie-man!!

I have now made it a permanent habit to disappear on you! But you can hardly blame me. I don't get enough time. Well, I could but I'd rather just sleep when I am free. I have definitely grown up I guess. I started using Twitter after a very long time and now I regret it instantly. I don't know if I should hide away from the world or shake everyone back to sanity. What is wrong with everyone. People getting angrier by the day, Molana Fazlu misguiding the innocents, the scholars are raping their students and the subordinates are harassing their seniors. Everyone is harming someone and I don't know what to do about it.

یہ اچھی پردہ داری ہے یہ اچھی راز داری ہے کہ جو آئے تمہاری بزم میں دیوانہ ہو جائے —

I write you when I at the lowest, darkest, ugliest...

Main nukta-chein nahi hon magar yeh bata dijiye
Wo kon the jo hans k gullon ko masall gaye

gham e habeeb, gham e zindagi, gham e dauraan
kisi muqaam pe hum jee bura nahi karte

About to get to the end of my fellowship which started May 2018 and I ended up extending for another 4 months which somehow looks like a mistake for now. This was long enough but then necessary nonetheless.

I am not ungrateful and I am not materialistic but somehow after everywhile, I come to a point when my heart sinks for no good reason, I have this anxiety and I know things are not working out.

The night as it gets darker, my soul gets darker.. but it doesn't rise with the sun every day. Somehow it remains there in the dark until another night falls and then it falls deeper...

Aye the be-nayaz teri bargaah mae
Jaatay hen aik hujoom e tamanna liye huwe..

Memories of USA 2018-2019