Dec 11th, 2015

Yet again a dreadful day although it was J's birthday

My dearest and one and only mamu left us to join my Ami and Abu

They would all be happy but those of us who are left behind.. There will be no place for us

I don't know

Mamu I wish you still lived because then I still had a place I could call my Plarganai

Its all gone now

Now if I wanted to be little again

Id have to die for it literally

May Allah grant you the highest places in Jannat ul Firdous with my Ami and Abu and Nanima

And may we all unite one day for tbe eternity in the Jannah! :)

Ameen sum ameen

Miss you mamu

You were our best friend

The one who broight laughter to our home

The apple of Ami's eyes

The apple of ours

Will miss you mamu

Will truly miss you

Last night for Imran Khan and Shan Khan

And what a beautiful night it was, the cause was noble and then the "tang takor" by Shan Khan and Khumariyan. Both Pashto! Of course, Jehangir Hayat Aziz was there who sung beautiful English songs for the audience but then I never had the ears for them last night, although he sung some of my all time faves but last night wasn't for me.
Me and N went especially for the love of IK and Shan Khan, accompanied by friends and their family.
Seeing our old classmates and teachers, it was all nostalgic as well and then I came across this person I met back when I was at BRAINS. I remember being in contact with him almost everyday for a small project but yesterday when I saw his face, at first it was like I'd seen him somewhere and then suddenly, I just couldn't remember his name. I don't know why I forgot and why is it such a big deal but it's annoying me BIG time and it's just stuck in my head. I searched for it all over Facebook and still can't find it.
I wish I'd gone up-to him yesterday and nicely asked for his name and then it wouldn't have been this annoying, ha ha! Now I am stuck :/


Anyway, Shan Khan rocks haha and I love his songs, Allah has blessed him with an amazing clear pitch, such a beautiful voice ma sha Allah.

Jab jab dard ka baadal chhaya

Jab gham ka saya lehraaya

Jab aansoo palkon tak aaya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraaya

Hum ne dil ko yeh samjhaya

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai?

Duniya mein yun hi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain

Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda gham hai sabka qissa

Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa

Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai

Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Apne Hone Par Mujhko Yaqeen Aa Agaya...

Read it somewhere and somehow I can relate to it.
This was written by Farhan Akhtar:





Pighle neelam sa behta hua ye sama
Neeli-Neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen, na kahin Aasmaan
Sarsarati hui tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh raheen hai ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon
Meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan, aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne hone par mujhko yaqeen aa gaya

Just like the colors in this picture, I am myself such a confused kaleidoscope of my being, of my existence, of all that I am and all that I am not. I was just listening to songs and writing a report for the current month and I just realized of the very confused state I am in always.. Just the list of songs that I listen to; from heavy Qawwalis to silly Honey Singh rap to Eminem to Guns n Roses.. I am forever confused.

Sometimes I am this bubbly, happy go lucky kinda girl who loves people, loves talking, loves imitating people and loves life. And then I am this sulky, boring quiet girl who likes to be by herself, read a book and not talk to anyone, not meet anyone and not having to get out of your bed even, who hates life and everything that it has to offer. And then I am that depressed emo girl who would want to cut herself, bleed and burn, curse everything around her, with so much hate and despair inside her, its poisonous. And THEN I am this very sober and composed girl who is all about manners and cleanliness and dedication, who never abuses, does not even know the meanings of, and is very intellectual.

I have the world's weakest Urdu and yet I listen to Faiz and Jaun Elia and God knows what not and not just read but fully and deeply understand it all. I read fiction and then I read history. How confusing would that get,

I love watching fiction and fantasy movies like vampires and fairies and stardust and magic and then I watch war movies and documentaries and those made on how governments make a fool out of each of us.

At times, I am so confused, I don't know how to react to even a normal query brought up to me, I would like to believe that I am not an angry person, I don't get angry and then there are times I am so angry that I can just not get over it.


Kabhi Chaahat Urran Ki Kabhi Zameen Pe Beth Gaya.
Ajeeb Aadmi Hoon Onchai Tu Kabhi Gehrai Chaahta Hoon.