New job yet again

Dear Bloggie Man..
Sorry for being away for such a long time but it seems I don't have the heart to write anymore.. not the way I used to back then. It takes so much effort now and then once I start I suddenly hit the block. And then I don't know what I was just wondering about..

Started work again. New place but same old project. UNWFP.. so called say bo to corruption and zero hunger slogans... UN itself is sooo dark and then our government and then very last at the chain.. us... corrupt to the core.

It sucks actually. New place with not much facilities and its like we rented a house for ourselves with no money. So now we sit all day long and do nothing at all.

I get irritated all the time.  I am going crazy.

Nothing without you

I know I am nothing without you. With all that darkness that lies within me.. all that negativity. . If left alone. I will consume my own self. It is you who keeps me going. It has always bewn yiu. Because in my entire reality I am truly Nothing.

Nothing really..

Nowadays being at home made me realize that its not so bad being a house wife. Except for the timely fits of depression and uselessness that hot you.. you get to pray and be close to Allah.. you get enough sleep.. you get to cook in a good mood and really do a lot of things that you usually don't fibd the time to.

But then I get so depressed and I feel useless. I want yo have money of my own that I can spend. I don't like asking N for money just so that I can shop around. I believe its his hard earned and I cannot bring myself into spending it.on petty things that I like in the shops. With my own salary its my own moneh and I don't feel guilty spending it thoughtlessly.

And you know.. Jon Snow is back but I am still waiting for the series to complete.  I hate watching an episode and then wait the entire week for the next one.

And I don't want to write the finishing lines here so I would just say I really like the hampster in the pic. Its adorable and I have a test and interview on Friday. Pray I get through.

Suicidal

So this is what it feels like.. though it wouldn't be the first tine.. nor the last thought in all this time but then again.. I am in a place where one has no way out. When its all too much. When you are cornered from every side all over.. all around..
I need yiu around. I need ti make that extra effort. Take that extra mile just to be here because I see mysslf slipping away..
In my kinda suicide. . Its less physical more of the heart and mind.. ibjust ler go theb. I justvfade away.. you wouldn't be able to separate me from your room furniture or the color of your wall.. I will just disappear. . Please don't let me.. jts always so hard falling back into it all..

I need help. Your help. So please. .

Life...

I don't know why have I gone so short tempered. I had a lot of patience and acceptance in me.. But nowadays, I seem to have lost it totally. I need Allah to help me through, I know life is slipping away so fast and I won't get it back again.. I should not waste it away like I am doing right now. 

A collection of all that I need...

My Extremities

I think I write to you when either I am extremely down or extremely ecstatic. . There is no in between and today is I think not something I feel very good about.
I am tired of constantly struggling to be happy.  I am not ungrateful.  I just want to have it as easy as everyone else does.
I wanna roam around the world
I wanna shop till I literally drop
I wanna have babies as easy and painless and quick as them all
I wanna spend my day lazying arounf and not having to worry about a job or our finances or having yo pay someone for this or that or not having to answer to anyo e else.
But may be this is my test. May be this isnt how its supposed to be.  But then what if in the hereafter too I get yo be tge mediocre o e
I get to be the one who just barely got away
I don't know...

For the Love of my Life...

My Dearest and my Nearest, My Darling N..

For the various ways you make me laugh. For the times you build me up when my confidence hits rock bottom. For the times you remind me I am beautiful. For the times you get me a hot bowl of soup when my nose is leaking snot! For the times you let me have the remote control. For those winner-jokes I laugh at for until about two days later with the same roar! And for the way you laugh at your own poor ones! But most of all, I love you for simply attempting to love me.

I have believed or been led to believe I am not an easy one to love. Perhaps, one of the most difficult ones around. And yet, here you are – equipped with your sledgehammer of patience, mallet of strength, and a giant rucksack of love – braving the challenge of tearing down the very walls around my heart that I have long sealed with the kind of mortar and cement that will not give away to the most fatal of blows. Maybe, I have used steel to hurt-proof the places where the wounds were most deep – so nothing could reach there again. THAT makes me love you with all the force of my heart.

I wish you all the best now that you're away and that I will forever wait for you and be with you really soon :-)

You are my own Fairy-tale come true...