Dil ..

Hai yeh kambakht dil
Jis takleef se guzarta hai
Bas dohrana janta hae
Bas behkana chahta hai
Kabhi yeh chah tho
Kabhi wo chah
Kabhi is pey fida
Kabhi oska junoon
Yeh dil nahi hae mera
Fitoor hai Fitoor.

There is nothing like Urdu that can explain the chaos inside better. Sometimes one just wants it to be perfectly expressed in order to give order to your chaos.

Kambakht. Dil. Fitoor. Yes indeed. Just like that. I fear this is how it will end.. never changing and never getting better. ..
Kambakht.

Anti Depressant post

I don't wanna be depressed.
I don't wanna be depressed.
I don't wanna be depressed.
I don't wanna be depressed.
I don't wanna be depressed.
I don't wanna be depressed.
But I am drowning and I see it. I see it. I see it.
I hate everything.  Just need it to stop. Bas.

Hello Dearie

The reason I am back writing to you so quick is that I don't have anything better to do
As usual we are back to the same sickening routine.  Sleep all day long and then stay up the entire night through.  It sickens me. I want a normal life where you go to work at 9 in the morning and come back at 5 in the evening.  The meagre 3 months of such bliss I had but then Allah had something else planned for us. I don't worry for the food or the life because I believe Allah will provide for as long as it is written for me but I want the rest as well. And I am sick and tired of having this discussion with you because either you get angry in the end or get depressed and it all becomes even more hard for me to cope with.
This ia onw of the reasons I wanted to go for this international MS somewhere but imagine our luck. . Ielts. .. toefl... certification. . Bank statements. .. it all needs money. The kind that I don't have.. thus even education becomes a privilege only the rich can endure.
Forget about the world tours. I am so out of ny fantasy world now. There is no magic here. You and me are getting old. We have no children to our claim. I pray that Allah blesses us but then by the time I am as old as being 50.. my kids would hardly be leaving their teens. Thus any dreams of seeing them prosper before old age are long lost...
But I believe Allah has something meaningful in store for us.. but then this is true too that the major portion of my lofe that should have been used to make a difference is long gone. I know I should have listened to my mother.  Poor her and my father... poor them.  How I made life a test for them and I knoq why they left so early. Allah saved them from any morw pain I would inflict upon them...
I need them. I need Allah to make things rigbt for us both. I need ua to bw doing something that shows progress that shows a lot of good money. I pray those 2 brothers burn in a never ending hell fire for ruining our lives our dreams.
I think no matter how hard I push this depression is yet again to engulf me. .. pray. Pray. Pray!!!!

Happy New Year 2017

Hello BloggieMan...
Sorry for being away for such a long time... was literally moving from one city to another.. leaving an old job.. lookibg for a new one.. setting up a new home and then entertaining family for a while.. went to witness this winter's first snowfall and loving it to bits...
Being closer to N.. more than ever before but then going through betrayal and life's most terrible of times and actually surviving it. N's patience and tolerance amazes me... how he was betrayed by those he loved like true brothers. .. how all his plans came crashing down just because he believed in brotherhood.
Life is okay so to say... may Allah protect us from illness death and suffering. .. and bless us with beautiful healthy children.. this new home feels good... feels like home ♥
I am still waiting for USAID to call me for joining although I have the offer letter but no joining date. May Allah bless us with what is best for both of us. Ameen sum ameen :)