Suicidal

So this is what it feels like.. though it wouldn't be the first tine.. nor the last thought in all this time but then again.. I am in a place where one has no way out. When its all too much. When you are cornered from every side all over.. all around..
I need yiu around. I need ti make that extra effort. Take that extra mile just to be here because I see mysslf slipping away..
In my kinda suicide. . Its less physical more of the heart and mind.. ibjust ler go theb. I justvfade away.. you wouldn't be able to separate me from your room furniture or the color of your wall.. I will just disappear. . Please don't let me.. jts always so hard falling back into it all..

I need help. Your help. So please. .

Life...

I don't know why have I gone so short tempered. I had a lot of patience and acceptance in me.. But nowadays, I seem to have lost it totally. I need Allah to help me through, I know life is slipping away so fast and I won't get it back again.. I should not waste it away like I am doing right now. 

A collection of all that I need...

My Extremities

I think I write to you when either I am extremely down or extremely ecstatic. . There is no in between and today is I think not something I feel very good about.
I am tired of constantly struggling to be happy.  I am not ungrateful.  I just want to have it as easy as everyone else does.
I wanna roam around the world
I wanna shop till I literally drop
I wanna have babies as easy and painless and quick as them all
I wanna spend my day lazying arounf and not having to worry about a job or our finances or having yo pay someone for this or that or not having to answer to anyo e else.
But may be this is my test. May be this isnt how its supposed to be.  But then what if in the hereafter too I get yo be tge mediocre o e
I get to be the one who just barely got away
I don't know...