This is me being Oh so Random! :/

I want to change my name, move to a different country, start a new career… live a new life.

I want to get far far far away from here.

I'm actually not ready for the warm weather.

I like wearing sweaters and pants and layers and scarf and jackets…

And most people dress conservatively which is nice. You don’t see no fat jiggling around.

Well I mean warm weather has its perks too.

But I prefer not to sweat. 

I feel like I spend 80%, maybe even bordering closer to 90%, of my waking hours alone. I don’t literally mean alone like the human race died off, but as in strangers all around and no one to talk to and be your friend. I've taken a lot of tests that say I'm “introverted” but does that mean I'm supposed to be comfortable with this? I mean alone time every once in a while feels amazing and relaxing but when it seems to be all the time… it gets a bit depressing.

I guess listening to the mellow vibes of Cold-play doesn't help either.

it’s funny how my happiness lasts for such a short period of time but I guess I ask for it.

I hate that sort of half-depressed feeling. You’re not sobbing. You’re not content by any means. You’re not so down in the dumps that you’re afraid you can’t dig yourself out.

I feel like sometimes being vaguely depressed or anxious is my “default” feeling. I have this sort of sense that something is wrong for whatever reason. It’s non-specific.

It makes me angry because there is no reason for me to feel this way. My life sucks, yes, but you’d think on a sunny day where no big event has happened to make me upset that I would be what most people call “content”. Or is this feeling my version of content?

Am I even capable of being “content”? I don’t remember the last time I was happy without being friggin’ ecstatic and jumping around or humming and grinning.

Gosh, I would give almost anything to just function correctly. This is madness.

I've been thinking lately, and I mean really thinking.. I've known this for as long as I can remember, but I think I have finally realize how MEAN a person can be. How evil humanity actually is. I mean, just look at all those bullies out there, mindlessly spending their spare time purposely going out of their way to hurt others. I was watching the movie "Cyberbully" yesterday. And even though I have already seen the movie about twice, I still almost cried. It was that horrible to me. 

Sometimes I just wish people could just get along in perfect harmony. But then again, coming from my own experiences and the way I feel over stupid things, I know that will never happen, and that depresses me.

If there's two things people have in life its stupidity and greed. The only reason why bullies bully is due to the fact that it makes them feel better about themselves. An outlet of rage and aggression if you will. This world obviously isn't perfect and never will and so we make due with what we have in this pathetic life. However life is just a test for the afterlife. (depending on certain religions as I don't want to offend anyone) Our actions dictate other people's emotions and our own actions. Meaning, like a virus, we can become the bully or if we commit certain actions we can become a role in creating the bully. One of my favourite lines from a movie is this.

"Every action has an echo. And your actions just may be your undoing."

Meaning if you create an evil it can only kill you. Sometimes people just deserve it. Sorry about the rambling I just began to swerve off topic for a second. XD Anyway it is the truth.

I know it sounds mean, but the truth is that the majority of my friends are so hypocritical or fake that it makes me so mad. And no one ever listens, and no one ever really completely shows me that I can trust them. 

So I don’t really tell my friends anything about how I'm really feeling, because they wouldn't understand, they wouldn't care and most importantly, the majority of them wouldn’t even bother to listen. I'm not disputing the fact that they might hear me, but they don’t really listen. 

When I walk around , I feel like I’m isolated in a bubble, I make conversation with people and I smile and I’m happy for a while, but then I’m regularly reminded of the fact that they’re not my true friends. If I was really in trouble or hurt or scared they wouldn’t care. And that realization every day cuts deep, and it hurts so much that I suddenly can’t wait to go home to the comfort of my bedroom where I know I can always rely on myself.

Sometimes it would just be nice to know that some people care about me and how I am other than my family. It would be nice to know that I’m important to someone else.

I’m in a bubble and I’m alone. And I can’t wait for the day that I find some people willing to make the effort to burst it and show me that there is such a thing as people, other than my family, who care.