Dec 11th, 2015

Yet again a dreadful day although it was J's birthday

My dearest and one and only mamu left us to join my Ami and Abu

They would all be happy but those of us who are left behind.. There will be no place for us

I don't know

Mamu I wish you still lived because then I still had a place I could call my Plarganai

Its all gone now

Now if I wanted to be little again

Id have to die for it literally

May Allah grant you the highest places in Jannat ul Firdous with my Ami and Abu and Nanima

And may we all unite one day for tbe eternity in the Jannah! :)

Ameen sum ameen

Miss you mamu

You were our best friend

The one who broight laughter to our home

The apple of Ami's eyes

The apple of ours

Will miss you mamu

Will truly miss you

Last night for Imran Khan and Shan Khan

And what a beautiful night it was, the cause was noble and then the "tang takor" by Shan Khan and Khumariyan. Both Pashto! Of course, Jehangir Hayat Aziz was there who sung beautiful English songs for the audience but then I never had the ears for them last night, although he sung some of my all time faves but last night wasn't for me.
Me and N went especially for the love of IK and Shan Khan, accompanied by friends and their family.
Seeing our old classmates and teachers, it was all nostalgic as well and then I came across this person I met back when I was at BRAINS. I remember being in contact with him almost everyday for a small project but yesterday when I saw his face, at first it was like I'd seen him somewhere and then suddenly, I just couldn't remember his name. I don't know why I forgot and why is it such a big deal but it's annoying me BIG time and it's just stuck in my head. I searched for it all over Facebook and still can't find it.
I wish I'd gone up-to him yesterday and nicely asked for his name and then it wouldn't have been this annoying, ha ha! Now I am stuck :/


Anyway, Shan Khan rocks haha and I love his songs, Allah has blessed him with an amazing clear pitch, such a beautiful voice ma sha Allah.

Jab jab dard ka baadal chhaya

Jab gham ka saya lehraaya

Jab aansoo palkon tak aaya

Jab yeh tanha dil ghabraaya

Hum ne dil ko yeh samjhaya

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai?

Duniya mein yun hi hota hai

Yeh jo gehre sannate hain

Waqt ne sabko hi baante hain

Thoda gham hai sabka qissa

Thodi dhoop hai sabka hissa

Aankh teri bekaar hi nam hai

Har pal ek naya mausam hai

Kyun tu aise pal khota hai

Dil aakhir tu kyun rota hai

Apne Hone Par Mujhko Yaqeen Aa Agaya...

Read it somewhere and somehow I can relate to it.
This was written by Farhan Akhtar:





Pighle neelam sa behta hua ye sama
Neeli-Neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen, na kahin Aasmaan
Sarsarati hui tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh raheen hai ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon
Meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan, aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne hone par mujhko yaqeen aa gaya

Just like the colors in this picture, I am myself such a confused kaleidoscope of my being, of my existence, of all that I am and all that I am not. I was just listening to songs and writing a report for the current month and I just realized of the very confused state I am in always.. Just the list of songs that I listen to; from heavy Qawwalis to silly Honey Singh rap to Eminem to Guns n Roses.. I am forever confused.

Sometimes I am this bubbly, happy go lucky kinda girl who loves people, loves talking, loves imitating people and loves life. And then I am this sulky, boring quiet girl who likes to be by herself, read a book and not talk to anyone, not meet anyone and not having to get out of your bed even, who hates life and everything that it has to offer. And then I am that depressed emo girl who would want to cut herself, bleed and burn, curse everything around her, with so much hate and despair inside her, its poisonous. And THEN I am this very sober and composed girl who is all about manners and cleanliness and dedication, who never abuses, does not even know the meanings of, and is very intellectual.

I have the world's weakest Urdu and yet I listen to Faiz and Jaun Elia and God knows what not and not just read but fully and deeply understand it all. I read fiction and then I read history. How confusing would that get,

I love watching fiction and fantasy movies like vampires and fairies and stardust and magic and then I watch war movies and documentaries and those made on how governments make a fool out of each of us.

At times, I am so confused, I don't know how to react to even a normal query brought up to me, I would like to believe that I am not an angry person, I don't get angry and then there are times I am so angry that I can just not get over it.


Kabhi Chaahat Urran Ki Kabhi Zameen Pe Beth Gaya.
Ajeeb Aadmi Hoon Onchai Tu Kabhi Gehrai Chaahta Hoon.

Me and Mine...

First Iphone post

Just realized I never installed you on the Iphone.. My bad Bloggie-man 

I hope you don't mind but as they say better late than never so here I am

Although apart from my sadistic rants, I really doubt if you will ever get anything positive from me but still I am happy to have you on my phone now

I bought two books (yeah again I know) and this time they are different than my preferred ones

The books are about history; the mughals although right now I am reading The Bastard of Istanbul and its really disappointing

I have never read a more haywire and haphazard book before but I am still hoping for the end to be interesting just to overcome to disappointment but ai seriously doubt it

Lets see

There might be quite less punctuations when I write from the phone just because.

Dear Blogiary!

Hello!

I came back to this blog after a very long time, once again. Usually an unexpected happenstance makes me write, something that either shocks me, surprises me, depresses me or mocks me moves me to pick up a page and start writing.

Right now, I am at work and I should be working but then somethings have been occurring and I had been storing it in my mind, thought I would narrate it all to N like I normally do, his own personal chatterbox that I am, but then I thought my why write about it. I went as bold as imaging an article by me being posted in some famous newspaper and then I realized, once upon a time, I owned a blog. Why not post it there?! And Voila! Here we are now aren't we.

I want to talk about how our local people, our very own DESI folks, how they are so over impressed with anything that has an extra fair complexion, is blond and speaks English.

Only yesterday, I witnessed at work that some foreigner called and the havoc it created, Oh my Lord.. I was shocked to see how at first everyone panicked who would speak to her, then calling her back and again just to confirm and then when she sent a thank you message, they showed it off like a medal earned. I mean why are we, as a nation, so impressed and suppressed by the ANGREZ?! Its as if we never got the freedom we celebrate on August 14 every year since 1947, we are still enslaved, we are still imprisoned.

It saddens me to see how every single Pakistani would not waste a second to shed his/her Pakistani passport and change it into a blue or a red or a multi colored passport. All those Pakistanis residing abroad work in cafes and run taxis and come back home and then show off their dollars, as if it was the President himself. Then their children born abroad are neither truly Pakistanis nor any other national. They are forever doomed into confusion because they would never truly belong.

For God's sake, have mercy on your own generations, on your children to come, and please be loyal to Pakistan. Allah blessed us with this land of pure for a reason, so that we can all have a place to belong to. Don't waste it like we are doing, do not take it for granted. Look at the way they are treating those poor immigrants, one thing goes wrong in America or in France or in England and they waste no time in pointing their fingers at the immigrants, at the Muslims, at Us..

Pleas open your eyes and see all that is going around. Pakistan deserves better than this, we deserve better than this. Just imagine if all our Ph.Ds and Doctors and businessmen and investors stayed in Pakistan and spent all this time and energy and that genius on this land. We are a very intelligent people, so I have no doubt in stating that Pakistan would leave all these great nations behind.

I pray to Allah to have His special mercy upon us, upon our Pakistan so that one way the entire world would want to come here to study, to work and to get a green passport.

Ummmmmmmm Nothing?!

The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief.  I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.

At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. 

When I say that deciding to not kill myself was the worst part, I should clarify that I don't mean it in a retrospective sense. From where I am now, it seems like a solid enough decision. But at the time, it felt like I had been dragging myself through the most miserable, endless wasteland, and — far in the distance — I had seen the promising glimmer of a slightly less miserable wasteland. And for just a moment, I thought maybe I'd be able to stop and rest. But as soon as I arrived at the border of the less miserable wasteland, I found out that I'd have to turn around and walk back the other way. 

What a beautiful Day

Yesterday I was too worried because I only had maybe sixty rupees in my bag, I didnt know how would we make it through.
All I had to do was Tell Him. I found 300rs in my pocket today. Allah is sooo Great, indeed. I took a leap of faith n wrnt out anyway and see.. and then Nadar, my World, sent me money.. for the first time since hes been gone.. masha Allah... beautiful day, indeed.